Part 1: Fundamental techniques in handling people
1. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain
- Criticizing doesn’t persuade people, it makes them strive to justify themselves
- Lincoln ruled by this policy after he almost dueled someone to death due to a condemning letter he sent
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation
- “Everybody likes a compliment.” – Lincoln “Everyone craves to be appreciated.”
- John Dewey said the deepest urge in human nature is the, “desire to be important.” Columbus wanted the name, “Admiral of the Ocean.”
- People will go insane and live a life of lies to finally feel this importance. One women became psychotic and ‘had a baby everyday’
- Andrew Carnegie paid Charles Schwab the first million dollar salary of his time not because he knew a lot about making steel but because of his ability to deal with people. “I consider my abilities to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.”
- John D. Rockefeller congratulated an employee for saving 60 percent rather than losing 40 percent. “That’s splendid we don’t always do as well upstairs.”
- Be careful not to flatter people, rather give sincere appreciation. “Flattery is like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you in trouble if you pass it to someone else.”
- Emerson said, “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn from him.”
3. Arose in the other person an eager want
- Lloyd George, Prime Minister of Great Britain during WW1 stayed in power while other leaders fell. If he had to give one reason it was he learned it was necessary to bait the hook to suit the fish. Fish don’t like strawberries, they like worms. Do what they
- A young boy didn’t want to go to kindergarten so his parents started finger painting to show him how fun it was.
- Henry Ford – “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
- When writing letters write from their point of view and what they want to hear, “Your services have been of great help to my customers….” Saying I want ____ because we work well together is not influential.
- If you get one thing out of this book- an increased tendency to always think in terms of other peoples point of vies
Six ways to make people like you
1.Become genuinely interested in other people
- A dog is a man’s best friend, everyone likes them
- “You can make more friends in two months by being interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to make people interested in you”
- President Roosevelt greeted every worker and employee by first name and actively held conversation with them. “How could you not like a man like that?”
- “We are interested in others when they are interested in us.”
2. Smile
- The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back
- Action speaks louder than words. Dogs jump out of their skin when they see you.
- When an entire waiting room of people are cranky about waiting, a babies smile eases the tension and makes everyone happy
- People rarely succeed in anything if they don’t have fun doing it
- Happiness comes from the inside. Two people can be in the same place one being unhappy and the other being happy.
3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
- Andrew Carnegie built a steel mill named ‘Edgar Thomson Steel Works’ so when this railroad tycoon needed steel for his railcars, where did he go?
- He named another mill ‘Pullman Palace Car Company’ in honor again of the man. This talk between the two men became industrial history.
- This was one of Carnegie’s secrets. Use names to make people feel good.
- Franklin Roosevelt knew that one of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names and making people feel important.
- The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
- Author sat down at a party and listened the entire time and was a “most interesting conversationalist.”
- Charles W. Eliot – “There is no mystery about successful business intercourse… Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that.”
- A man kept complaining and complaining and felt important because of it. After a person listened for four hours, he no longer felt the same way and the case was settled. His grievances vanished into thin air.
- “The ability to listen seems rarer than any other trait.”
- Lincoln talked solely for hours about weather or not to free the slaves without even asking his friend for an opinion. They said good night and they went their own ways. All Lincoln wanted was a good listener.
- Someone’s toothache interests them more than a famine in China killing thousands.
5. Talk in terms of other peoples interests
- Theodore Roosevelt learned of everyone interest before they came to visit him so he could actively talk with them.
- “The royal road to a persons heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most”
- A man talked to the secretary in terms of ‘money and power’ to get her interested and she let him in shortly after.
6. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely
- John Dewey – “The desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature. William James – “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
- “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”
- “I’m sorry to bother you but____.”
- “Everyone feels superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.
How to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument
- Welcome the disagreement – you may hear a point you have never heard before
- Distrust your first instinctive impression – our first reaction is to be defensive. Don’t do it, stay calm
- Control your temper – “You can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.”
- Listen first – Let them talk first. Interrupting them will only raise barriers.
- Look for areas of agreement – dwell on the points in which you both agree on first
- Be honest – admit error and apologize for your mistakes. It will disarm your opponent and reduce defensiveness.
- Promise to think over your opponent’ ideas and study them carefully – Don’t want a, “I told you …. You wouldn’t listen.” Comment
- Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest – if they disagree, they obviously are interesting in the same thing that you are. Think that they just want to help you
- Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem – present another time later when the facts may be brought to bear
1. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
- Lord Chesterfield – “Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.
- “Well, now, look. I though otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am.” – No one can be mad if you do that
- It will stop all arguments and inspire your opponent to be fair and open – He will want to admit that he too may be wrong
- A lumber man was delivering wood and said it wasn’t matching the quality standards. The owner simply said, “I could be wrong but this piece looks good.” He was able to admit he was wrong.
- “Be diplomatic, it may help you gain your point.”
2. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
- “By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.”
- A man was walking his dog in the park and a police officer told him to put his dog on a chain. The next time he saw the cop he was still not on a chain. The policeman wanted a feeling of importance and when the civilian admitted he was wrong, the cop got his feeling of importance. No ticket
- Say all the derogatory things first that the person is thinking. It will bring a generous, forgiving attitude.
- Self criticize your self, “I have been doing drawings for a long time, I’m ashamed of myself.” The other person will start to defend you, “This isn’t a serious mistake.”
- When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong – and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves – let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.
3. Begin in a friendly way
- “If you come at me with your fists doubled, I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours.”
- “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”
- Rockefeller quieted a riot of his people with one speech. He used works like, “Proud to be here – visited in your homes – we met here as friends not strangers – spirit of mutual friendship – common interest.” All friendly
- A man needed to lower his rent so he began by praising the landlord. The landlord compared him to other nagging tenants and gladly lowered.
- The sun will make a man take his coat off quicker than the wind.
5. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
- In talking with people begin by discussing the things on which agree on
- Once someone has said “No” they feel they must stick to it – pride
- Their entire body, nervous, muscular becomes in a state of rejection.
- Socrates asked a serious of questions to get “yes” every time. Before the people knew it, they were practically agreeing to it already.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of talking
- An executive lost his voice for a presentation so the President of that company spoke for him. He simply nodded and smiled and got the deal. The president talked for him making it seem very good for the company.
- If you tell people of your constant achievements, they began to resent them only care about themselves not you.
7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
- “The people had made a sort of moral bargain with me and as long as I live up to my part in it they were determined to live up to theirs.”
- A sales manager asked what the employees wanted from him. – It felt like they were coming up with the ideas.
- Give someone your opinion and let them think it out for themselves instead of you cramming it down their throat.
- A scientist/painter had a product they wanted to sell to a customer so they called their respective clients (Radiologist/art collector) and asked for their likings directly.
- “I was surprised to get the letter. It made me feel important.” – he cancelled a dinner appointment for it
- Colonel House influenced the president by, “I learned the best way to convert him to an idea was to plant it in his mind casual, but so as to interest him in it so as to get him thinking about it on his own account.”
- A Chinese sage named Lao – tse said, “The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below then. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteh himself below then; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them.”
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
- I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a persons office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives was likely to answer
- If you get one thing from this book – an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person’s point of view, and see things from that persons angle as well as yours
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
- “I don’t blame you one bit for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”
- You deserve little credit for what you are. You could have been a rattlesnake and not a person.
- “You have attractive nails and they are sure beautiful, however I believe you have to cut them in order to play better.”
- “Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults… show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations. ‘Self –pity’ for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice.”
10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
- “I sized you up in the first place as being a man of your word. In fact, I’m so sure of it that I’m willing to take a gamble.”
- John D. Rockefeller Jr. said, “I don’t want their pictures published. You know how it is, boys. You’ve got children yourselves, some of you. And you know it’s not good for youngsters to get to much publicity.”
- “Please don’t publish those, my mother doesn’t like them.” – plays off the universal love for motherhood.
11. Dramatize your ideas.
- A man could not get an appointment with a CEO. So he decided to draw out a pre-drafted fill in the blank sheet that said:
Ms. Wolf – I will be able to see you on ______ at _______ time.
- You are literally throwing away money – throw change on the floor.
- A father drove on a ‘train’ that picked up toys
- Another sales man dumped 32 cans of ice cream on his desk to display the abundance of variety.
12. Throwdown a challenge
- A boss wanted more production out of his plant so he decided to draw a big 6 on the floor as a challenge.
- Charles Schwab, “The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.”
- A governor needed a strong Warden to rule a prison. “I don’t blame you for being scared. It’s a tough spot. It’ll take a big person to go up there and stay.”
- The way to motivate is to get them to love the work itself. Every successful person loves the game not the fringe benefits.
PART 4: BE A LEADER: HOW TO CHAGE PEOPLE WITHOUT GIVING OFFENSE OF AROUSING RESENTMENT
1. Begin with Praise and Honest Appreciation
- Lincoln wrote a letter to a general expressing grave concerns. He began the letter with appreciation and compliments for 2 paragraphs.
- A project was being delayed and on the fringe of paying fees for being late. The man went to his house, complimented him, went to lunch, and the project was promised to be completed on time without even mentioning it.
- Beginning with praise is like a dentist using Novocain. The cavity still gets filled, but the Novocain is pain killing.
2. Call attention to peoples mistakes indirectly
- Schwab saw an employee smoking under a no smoking sign. Instead of pointing out the sign, “cant you read?” – Schwab handed them a cigar and said, if you could smoke these outside, I would appreciate it. – He gave them a present and made them feel important
- Using the word ‘But’ might draw into question the earlier praise. Use and different word, like ‘and’. I appreciate your help today, AND …
- Women piled left over wood that her workers left (it looked bad for the neighbors). The next day, she expressed praise to the workers for ‘keeping the place looking clean,’ indirectly saying, “Stack the wood next time.”
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
- Executive had trouble with his secretary spelling. Next time he found a word, he went to her desk, acted like he was reading it with her, “Somehow this word doesn’t look right. It’s one of those words I always have had trouble with. That’s the reason I started this spelling book, spelling makes us look professional.” – her work was better since that point
- Father wanted his son to stop smoking, instead of criticizing, he pointed out that his cough was rough and he was hooked
4. Ask Questions instead of giving orders
- Don’t say, “Do this or do that” – Instead, “you might consider trying this” It encourages collaboration instead of rebellion
5. Let the other person save face
- Wanted to remove a director of a division, so they created another “General Counsel” position to effectively remove him, without demoting and hurting his feelings
- A new employee made a mistake, instead of commenting, he thanked he for the work and remarked it was not unusual for a person to make an error on a new project and that he had confidence in her.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
- Animal trainers shower the animals with food and praise when they do something good. Why wouldn’t humans do the same? Praise is like sunlight to our spirits, we cannot grow without it.
- Abilities wither under criticism and blossom under praise
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
- A mechanic was formally fast and accurate in his work but since slowed and made mistakes. Boss called him into his office and explained, “You are a fine mechanic. You have been in this line of work for a good number of years. You have repaired many vehicles to customer satisfaction and have received just as many compliments from those customers.” The mechanic could do nothing less than live up to his former reputation.
- A teacher gave a trouble maker a leader reputation, “Now Tommy, I hear you are a leader so I will trust you to make this classroom a great place.” – He naturally wanted to live up to that and behaved himself.
8. Use encouragement, make the fault seem easy to correct
- Telling someone they are stupid or dumb at a certain thing, they have no gift, and are doing it wrong will destroy incentive to try. Opposite this, be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in them. They will practice till the dawn comes in the window in order to excel
- Young boy had a mental issue and couldn’t learn in school. He loved radio and TV and wanted to be a repairman. Mom told him, to become a repairman, he needed to learn math and that all he needed was to remember these flash cards. He eventually remembered them after nightly practice and realized that learning isn’t so hard. That carried over into drawing and other classes.
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